Text In The City
by johnsarmylady
Summary: A series of text conversations between Sherlock and John. Written in collaboration between MapleleafCameo and myself. PLEASE NOTE: THE RATING OF THIS COLLECTION OF TEXTS HAS BEEN CHANGED - NOW RATED M...BECAUSE IT WAS FUN...
1. Kettle

**Welcome to a series of text conversations between Sherlock and John, written in collaboration between MapleleafCameo and myself. Now, if you haven't already read the brilliant MapleleafCameo's writing then hurry over and read it now...but don't forget to come back and read this afterwards.  
Disclaimer: Neither writer owns these guys - that honour belongs to ACD, Moffat and Gatiss.**

**xXx**

_'__Sherlock! How many times do I have to tell you not to use the kettle for your experiments? What is that awful gunge that's bubbling out of the spout? – JW_

_**Really John. You are over **__**reacting as usual. First of all the kettle is the only proper receptacle to house this experiment and secondly I take exception to the use of the word 'gunge'. The proper term is slime mould. SH**_

'_Of course it is – how could I not know that? Tell me, geniu__s , when you finally get home from wherever it is you're hiding this time, how am I expected to make you tea? Our kettle is filled with foul smelling, frothy slime mould? – JW'_

_**Once again your language is imprecise. I am not 'hiding'. I am on the trail of**__** a nefarious villain. One who has hounded me incessantly and dog's**__**my every steps. I am in the process of trying to ascertain what he is up to. And as for making tea, I am sure you will work your usual John magic and provide me with a steaming cup upon my **__**arrival. In other words, improvise.**__**Or if you can't improvise the tea, perhaps you can improvise something else? SH **_

'_Come off it Sherlock. Last I heard you were dashing out to berate Lestrade about some perceived slight – just because he solved a case wi__thout you. Oh, and I'm throwing the kettle out. Now. – JW'_

_**What? No! John! It's taken me ages to procure that particular specimen and even longer to develop it to this stage! You will ruin a month's worth of work. SH**_

_**And it's not Lestrade. I've already be**__**rated him, told him his conclusions were ludicrous and solved the case for him. Think more corpulent and far more dangerous than Lestrade.**__**- SH**_

'_So, what has the British Government done to upset you this time – taken your teddy? Honestly, the pair of you are so full of yourselves. You – with your turned up collar and your cheekbones, trying to be mysterious and him – with his suits, and umbrella and cream cakes. – JW'_

'_Kettle's out by Mrs Hudson's bins__- JW__'_

…_**.**_

_'Don't ...me! - JW'_

_'A__nd don't smirk! I c__an here you from here__ - JW__'_

_**I am trying to come up with an appropriate response to you 'binning' my experiment. Perhaps one of your dull jumpers needs to take a walk beside the Thames. You realize there are members of The Homeless Network who wouldn't be caught in one of them. I thought you liked my cheekbones? SH**_

_**Mycroft is up to something. He purchased a new suit and procur**__**ed a new umbrella. Good Lord! **_

'_What? What's happened?' – JW _

_**He's on a date! Oh that is not pleasant. SH**_

'Sherlock! What have you done now? John's fainted!

'Oh, by the way – its Mrs Hudson'

_**'I haven't done anything. Mrs Hudson. It must be the shock of my fat brother going on a date. Either that or he dislikes the idea of me giving his jumpers to the homeless.' Thought he was made of sterner stuff. SH **_

'Oh dear! He's waking up, but he does look very pale'

'It's Mrs Hudson again by the way'

'_I didn't faint – I tripped. Who's his date, Anthea? Anyway I thought you liked my jumpers- JW'_

_**Don't be ridiculous John. On both counts**__**. SH**_

'_Ouch. Who then? – JW'_

_**The Ambassador from Japan**__** - SH**_

'_? – JW'_

'_Why don't you like my jumpers?__ - JW__'_

_**You are obsessed with your jumpers! This is far more vile than your jumpers. Focus John. My brother, the great whale, is DATING! SH**_

_**I don't entirely disli**__**ke the oatmeal one. SH**_

'_And of course you're not obsessed with your brother's mating rituals? – JW'_

'_Wait – did I really say that? I think I'm going to be sick! – JW'_

**I am not…obsessed. I find the whole idea preposterous. He, after all, was the one who ****told me that caring is not an advantage. Therefor why is he dating? And why the Japanese Ambassador? Is there something more to this? I must find out. SH**

'_Maybe he doesn't care. Could be a quick shag – or a long shag. I've heard the Japanese can be quite__ hot… - JW'_

**And now I am going to be ill from the****thought of Mycroft shagging anyone. SH**

'_Come home. I'm a doctor, I could look after you ^_^ - JW'_

**And how precisely are you going to accomplish that my good doctor? SH**

'_We'll start with aromatherapy. I__'m oiling my gun right now __^_^__ – JW' _

**You aren't going to light any candles this time are you? That was rather disastrous. SH**

'_No – God no! I was thinking Sandalwood oil massage – JW'_

**I believe you are offering me a much better way to spend the evening ****than following my brother and his …date. I think you will have to work extra hard in order to remove those images from my mind. I'm on my way. SH**

'_Hurry – the chill evening air has brought me out in goose bumps…..all over – JW'_


	2. Feet

**It started harmlessly enough, but unfortunately it got out of hand (and we had so much fun letting it get out of hand!), but the end result is we have had to 'up' the rating to M...  
Disclaimer: we still don't own...**

_**'John! Where are my feet? - SH'**_

_'On the end of your long lanky legs, you git.;) – __ JW'_

'_**John, please try not to be more of an idiot than you already are. I mean the ones I took from the freezer last night and put on the kitchen table to defrost. – SH'**_

'_**Are you winking at me? – SH'**_

_'Would you like me to wink at you?;) I can do more than wink you know?;) Lol! __I think Mrs. Hudson binned them. She was muttering something about biohazards and pulling that face she gets when you've left something dead & dying about. - J__W'_

'_**If she wasn't our housekeeper…! Now I'll have to get the two left feet out.- SH**_

_**And yes, I would like you to wink at me. You don't do it often enough, you know – SH**_

_'Sherlock! She's not our housekeeper! She shouldn't have to go around bi__nning spare feet. In fact neither should I. No one should. Except perhaps people whose job it is to clean up spare parts. And please don't tell me you have more spare parts? - J__W'_

_'I can think of other things I don't get to do often enough. – J__W'_

'_**Alright th**__**en – SH'**_

'_**And you don't get to do things because you're never here. :( there are some things that just shouldn't be done alone. – SH'**_

_'Alright then?' What do you mean by that? It makes me a little nervous when you give in so easily! And did you use a sa__d face emoticon? Sherlock are you developing emotions?:D_

_It's not my fault you know. That this conference happened right after that busy week at the clinic. I had to pick up those extra shifts because of the murder you were investigating the week before. – J__W'_

_'I...never mind. Forget it. – J__W'_

'_**Have I done something wrong? – SH'**_

_'No! God no! It's me. You won't like it. It's sentiment. – J__W'_

'_**I like everything about you John, how could I not? – SH'**_

_'Er… Getting funny looks 'cause I'm blushing here. Ummm __Thanks Sherlock. Well it's this. I miss you. And you're right, there are somethings that shouldn't be done alone. And, well, it's just that we've been apart for awhile and I …oh hell! – J__W'_

'_**It's no good – the extra feet aren't defrosted so I can't do my ex**__**periment. I'm going to lay on the couch and think. Can you buy me a new t-shirt on your way home? - SH'**_

_"Okay. Are you ignoring what I said or are you ignoring what I couldn't say? – J__W'_

'_**Oh, I'm ignoring nothing, John. I'm laying here, thinking about what**__** you said (and what you didn't say), but I'm uncomfortable. Every time I stretch the gap between my t-shirt and my pyjama bottoms is so big my stomach gets cold.;) – SH'**_

'_**Is it alright for me to wink back at you? ;) – SH'**_

_'Okay – sorry but my mind went s__omewhere for a moment picturing that. T-shirt, sure. Yeah. And winking. Winking is good. Very, very good. Ummm…yeah. – J__W'_

_'How small is that t-shirt? – J__W'_

'_**Oh it's small, John…and very tight. I think you ought to pick me up some new pyjama bottoms too. The**__**se barely come up to my hips. – SH'**_

_'Oh Lord Sherlock! You've got to stop texting me stuff like that! It's getting awfully uncomfortable. I'm going to have to leave this lecture and go and…oh!' JW_

'_**Something wrong John? Can I help? – SH'**_

_'Ummm…help me? __Yeah that's what I'm afraid of. I think I need to excuse myself from the conference room. Hang on a second. – J__W'_

'_**John, when can you come home? The flat's too….. – SH'**_

_'Sherlock, I'm on my way! I just threw my things in my bag & checked out of the hotel. __I might not have time to stop and get you a new t-shirt or pyjama bottoms. You'll have to make do with what you are wearing until I get there and I can help you get sorted out. I am at the train station right now! – J__W'_

'_**Hurry John – if I rub my hands **__**across my stomach I might just prevent hypothermia setting in before you get home – SH'**_

_'You do know I am now sitting on a train full of people, right? This is going to be a long trip. Particularly as I can picture in my mind exactly how slowly you are ru__bbing your hand across your stomach - very, very slowly. Because hypothermia would be a bit not good & we wouldn't want that to happen. – J__W'_

_**'Extremely slow strokes John, from the bottom of my t-shirt down to the very low slung waistband of my pyjamas, the**__**n slowly stroking back up. - SH'**_

_**'And John, I need tea. I'm so dehydrated I have to keep licking my lips to moisten them ;) - SH'**_

_'The lady sitting across just asked if I was alright._

_I think it would be a good idea if you take off your t-shirt. The tig__htness of it might be constricting your circulation. You'd have an easier time warming yourself up by rubbing your hands all over your arms and chest. You'd have better access to your nip...'_

_Sorry! Someone just jostled my arm. Accidentally hit send. Where was I? – J__W'_

'_**You were advising me to take off the t-shirt – I think you might be right, my breathing was getting a bit…ragged. T-shirt's off, and yes access to ALL areas much improved. – SH'**_

'_**Oh, and I noticed this morning you'd taken your oldest jeans **__**– the ones with the interesting stress marks. Aren't they a little tight across the front? – SH**_

_'Oh god! Yes! Very tight! In fact I just put my jacket across my lap to prevent others from noticing exactly how incredibly tight my jeans are. Are you rubbing__ your hands across your nipples? You might try pinching them just a little. I'm sure that will warm us both up. – J__W'_

'_**Not pinching – rolling. Rolling each one simultaneously between thumb and forefinger, it makes the blood rush to them and warms them up. I**__**'m warmer now John, but I think you're hot! – SH'**_

_'Now the lady across the aisle thinks I should see a doctor when I get off of the train. Apparently I'm looking flushed!_

_I think it would perhaps be a good idea if you remove your pyjama bottoms as well, __Sherlock. You must be feeling a little constricted._

_Did you lock the door to the flat? Not a good idea if Mrs. Hudson walks in whilst you are, er, warming up :D or god forbid, your brother. Lol! – J__W'_

'_**Tell the lady across the aisle you're spoken for – and **__**anyway, I like the way your cheeks turn pink – I bet you're smiling too.**_

_**The only way to get these oh so constricting pyjama bottoms off is to slide my hands down my body, over my hip bones, hook my thumbs under the waistband and gently ease them down, thu**__**s releasing the constriction.**_

_**The door is locked, the curtains are closed, and the British Government's spycam has been disconnected – again. – SH'**_

_'I am. Smiling. I told her I was a doctor and it's my natural colouring. And it is when I'm thinking of __you:)_

_I want you to imagine it's my hands sliding over your body, over your hip bones. I want you to think about it being my thumbs under your waistband, brushing across your skin and I am ever so carefully lowering your pyjama bottoms. I want you to thin__k about my lips caressing yours as I'm doing this. Are you imagining this Sherlock?' – J__W'_

'_**kijfiosdfjakl uiorioj fiojmorijioj – SSSSSSSSSSH'**_

_'Sherlock? Are you okay? I don't think I've ever seen you text that before. – J__W'_

'_**I think I've short circuited, Joh**__**n. Hurry home! – SH'**_

_'Soon! Very, very soon. Soon you will feel my lips on your neck. Soon my tongue will trace the edge of your ear. Soon I'll be able to personally take care of you. – J__W'_

'_**Close your eyes, John. Imagine me breathing into your ear, whispe**__**ring your name, trembling under your hands. I think I may need a doctor….. – SH'**_

_'Train's just pulling up to the station. In a few minutes I'll be throughout the door and by your side. I want you watching the door. When I come in I will start by removing __my jacket, and then I'll pull off my jumper. The whole time I'll keep my eyes on your face as I unbutton my shirt, as I cross the floor and take off my shoes. I'll stand by the couch and you can take your hands and I want you to place them on my waist whil__e I unzip my jeans. And Sherlock? Do you remember what I asked you in Buckingham Palace? When you were just wearing the sheet? Me neither. – J__W'_

'**John…Run! – SH'**


	3. Strawberries And Cream

**This is in response to a challenge on Mrs Hudson's Kitchen forum. The challenge was to write a piece about strawberries and cream...how could we resist?**

xXx

_**'John, pick up a carton of strawberries.' SH**_

_'Strawberries? Oh, okay - be home in about half an hour - JW'_

_'Wait - are you making dinner? - JW'_

_**'No. I don't make dinner, John. You make dinner.' SH  
'And whip cream.' SH  
'The kind that sprays.' SH**_

"_Shame – it's been a busy day today. Had hoped I was off dinner duty. So, strawberries and spray whipped cream for dessert – what will you eat for dinner as I'd rather cook something you'll eat instead of push sullenly round your plate. – JW'_

_**'Dinner would be acceptable. Something quick like that Alfredo thing you make. I have plans.' SH**_

'_With prawns or chicken? Or plain? – JW'_

'_You have plans? Should I be worried? I can tell you right now you are not experimenting on me again, the last time I was traumatised for days. – JW'_

_**'Chicken. Protein will be necessary. Good thinking John.' SH**_

_**'Don't worry so much John. This time will be more enjoyable.' SH**_

'_No, Sherlock, just…no! There is nothing enjoyable about being part of an experiment. – JW'_

'_Hang on. Why would we need protein? Does your plan have something to do with needing to repair muscles or strengthen immune function? 'Cause if it does I'm not coming home tonight - JW'_

_**'As I am neither sick nor injured that would be absurd. It's for stamina, John. Do keep up!' SH**_

'_Oh. Right. Um, I think I see….no, I don't. Never mind, I'm almost finished in Tesco's. Anything else before I brave the automated checkout? Anything I should know? Like, you've emptied my bank account – again? – JW'_

_**'John, you know I never bother with trivialities such as money. That is not my area. Do we have any ribbon? Oh never mind. I'm sure Mrs. Hudson has some. If not we can use one if your horrid ties.' SH**_

"_We have that awful pink ribbon that Molly used to wrap your birthday present last year. I was saving it to wrap her Christmas present, but there's yards and yards of it. And my ties are not horrid – well – except that purple green and red striped one your brother gave me. That's vile. You can use that if you want – I won't even ask what for. – JW_

_**'Excellent! That will do nicely. Pink suits you.' SH**_

'_Pink suits….what the HELL are you going to do with that ribbon? – JW'_

_**'Why John, after we have finished a healthy and nutritious meal together I am going to very slowly strip you down to your delicious skin, tie you to the bed and spray whip cream all over your body to which I am going to add strawberries. Then I am going to very slowly devour each and every strawberry and finish by licking off every bit of whip cream. Simple.' SH**_

'_...'_

_**'John? Are you quite all right? Because if you are not up to trying this we could do it another night. I was rather looking forward to hearing you beg. I had planned on this particular experiment lasting most of the night. And I must say there is something very stimulating about the way you say my name just before you orgasm.' SH**_

'_Um, I'm…ah…I'm okay….I think. Sorry, I just dropped the strawberries and they're rolling all over the place. Oh God, and now the checkout supervisor's giving me one of those looks – you know, those superior looks they get when something like this happens – and now I'm going to have to go and buy more strawberries so I might be a bit delayed. – JW'_

'_All night, 'Lock? – JW'_

_**'Ignore the supervisor. He steals produce when no one is looking. And must I repeat myself? Yes John! All Night!' SH**_

'_Right, good…yes, all night….that's good. Okay. Just leaving Tesco's, be home soon – JW'_

'_Oh and Sherlock, while I was replacing the strawberries, I bought extra cream ;) – JW'_


	4. CD

**Oh dear. and all we were talking about was the songs that get stuck in your head! Inspired by 'Freakin'At The Freaker's Ball, written by Shel Silverstein, and sung by Dr Hook  
Disclaimer: As ever we don't own the boys, and we don't own the song. We make nothing from this but a lot of noise as our giggles fill our respective houses - hope you giggle too**

**xXx**

_**'John. Who bought this Dr Hook CD? - SH'**_

_'That's mine – I've had it for years. Why? JW'_

_**'Oh, no reason. I just wondered - SH'**_

_**'Have you got a patient with you, or are you alone in your consulting room? - SH'**_

_'I'm catching up on paper work – I've got half an hour before my next patient. Please tell me there isn't anything I need to do for you at the moment? JW'_

_**'Not right this moment, maybe later though - have you still got that motorbike jacket that Bill lent you? - SH'**_

_"Ummm, yes. It's in the closet. Do you need it for a case? Please be careful with it. JW'_

_**'Don't worry, John. I won't damage it. - SH'**_

_'Sherlock, what are you up to and why is my Spidey-sense tingling? JW'_

_**'Why, John, do you assume I'm 'up to' anything? Can your flatmate not ask you a simple question with you assuming the worst? - SH'**_

_**'And what is your 'Spidey-sense'? Is it a new kind of sex toy? And why is this the first I've heard of it? - SH'**_

_**'You shouldn't keep new toys to yourself Dr Watson'**_

_'Sherlock! What the hell? I was drinking coffee and now it's sprayed all over these forms! Sex toys! I said no to those after the last time! Spidey-sense! It's from Spiderman! He uses it…oh never mind! JW'_

_'And of course I assume the worst! It's you! What are you up to? JW'_

_**'Really John? So many exclamation points? Anyway, it doesn't matter now - forget I said anything. - SH'**_

_'Oh don't you dare pout! What…wait a minute…what song have you been listening to?'JW'_

'_**Do you think they mean real butter? Or that awful scented body butter stuff that Molly is so fond of? Can you guess which song, my so sexy doctor? – SH'**_

_'Oh…my…god! Oh…ummm. What? I…uh…no, I…uh…well. JW'_

_**'I've got a better idea. Don't worry, I'll ask Mrs Hudson to add it to her shopping list this afternoon – SH**_

_**'John, I can't find my old blue suitcase. Did you put it in the wardrobe in the upstairs bedroom? – SH'**_

_'Dear god, Sherlock! Do you know what's going through my mind right now? Why do you do this to me when I have a patient coming in in ten minutes? Are you seriously going to ask Mrs Hudson to buy butter? And what the hell do you need that suitcase for? JW'_

'_**I need that suitcase because my leather trousers are in it, John. Tight, arse hugging, leave nothing to the imagination leather trousers, John. Made of very soft, very supple hide, John. – SH'**_

'_**Oh, and I asked Mrs H to get more than just butter, John. – SH'**_

_'You CANNOT ask Mrs Hudson to pick up what I think you are going to ask her to pick up! Wait! What are you going to ask her to pick up? JW'_

_'Did you say tight, arse hugging, leave nothing to the imagination LEATHER trousers? JW'_

'_**Yes John, that's exactly what I said – so tight I can't possibly wear anything underneath them – SH'**_

'_**Don't worry about Mrs Hudson – I told her it was for an experiment. She said she can quite believe it. What do you think she meant? – SH**_

'_**I've found the suitcase…. – SH'**_

_First of all Mrs Hudson would believe and does believe anything and everything of you! Secondly Oh Dear Lord! Thirdly I have asked Sarah to take my last few patients. I am on my way. Told her I have an emergency and believe me when I tell you I have an emergency when I think of you in those trousers! And fourthly…do you know where your riding crop is?' JW'_

'_**Could you call into Bart's on your way home? I left it in the mortuary – SH'**_


	5. Boyfriend

**MapleleafCameo and I would like to thank ****Lucy36**** for bravely stepping in to play our Mycroft – if you haven't already read Lucy's work then hurry and read it now! But do come back ****afterwards to read this!**

To make it easier to understand we have a key to the texts:  
_**Texts To Mycroft (bold italics)**_

_Texts To Sherlock (italics)_

Texts To John (standard typeface - underlined)

TEXTS TO MORE THAN ONE RECIPIENT (Standard typeface UPPER CASE)

xXx

_**'Mycroft, some bloke just came here looking for you. - JW'**_

'STOP DISSECTING THAT PACKAGE, SHERLOCK. - MH'

_**'Wait - What? Is Sherlock with you Mycroft? What's he doing there? I thought he was getting the shopping - JW'**_

'_**You can't tell me what to do. Besides it's my package - SH'**_

'SHERLOCK, MYCROFT, ARE YOU TWO IN THE SAME ROOM TEXTING EACH OTHER? – JW'

_'What is going on? I thought you were going to the shop. What is this package Mycroft is on about? - JW'_

_'And why has he ignored the fact th__at some bloke called here for him? - JW_

_'Sherlock - you've not been pretending to be your brother again have you? - JW'_

"Of course we are in the same room, John, don't be obtuse. How else do you think he knew I was fiddling with this package. SH."

'And it's a surprise. For later. Tonight. When my git of a brother has left us alone - SH "

_'Sherlock, may I remind you that you are the one invading my Club ? - MH'_

'OH, MY... BEST WARN MRS HUDSON TO STAY OUT OF YOUR FLAT TONIGHT... - MH'

_**'So, who's this bloke then, Mycroft? Shall I describe him? Might jog your memory...Tall, mid thirties, seems to like torn bleached denim and Calvin Klein aftershave - JW'**_

_**'Mycroft? You okay? That last text sounded...weird - JW'**_

_**"I had to send the package here to avoid spoiling the surprise." SH**_

_**"And mind your own business. SH'**_

'Ignore him. He has obviously forgotten that Mrs Hudson is at her sister's. You can be as loud as you want - SH '

'I'M SURPRISED SHERLOCK DIDN'T TAIL THIS ONE. ISN'T IT WHAT YOU DO, BROTHER ? – M

'_**Who is he then, Mycroft? And why is he looking for you here? – JW'**_

'Think John. What exactly did he say ? - MH'

'_**Do you mean before or after he tried to force his way in? He insisted on seeing you, and said something about not being picked up and put down like a bloody toy. – JW**_

'I apologise for the inconvenience. Did you offer him the information he requested? - MH'

'_**No I bloody didn't! You're the British Government, Mycroft – that's tantamount to bloody treason! – JW'**_

'_**Anyway, he was bloody crying – and he didn't**__** specifically ask where you were, so I felt justified in saying nothing – JW'**_

'I see. Thank you, John. - MH'  
  
_'May I borrow the contents of your package ? - MH'_

'_**No you may not! It is for John. I have something special in mind! And you are not going to ruin**__** it. SH**__**'**_

'John, has that man left the flat yet? I will be home soon and I have plans! SH'

_'Oh dear god - what do you plan now? And no, he's lurking over the road watching the flat - he didn't believe me when I said Mycroft wasn't here - JW_

_'One item, and I'll get Marcus away. He can be very... persistent.' MH'_

'John, invite him in. I'm on my way. - MH'

_**Oh no….Oh no, no, no. We are NOT hosting an orgy for you and your bit of rough – JW'**_

_**'Fine! But I want to use the room with the water bed and the hot tub at the house sometime.' SH**_

_'Did you know your brother wants an orgy at our flat? - JW'_

_**'We have a deal. And tell your boyfriend to kindly not include me in his commoner fantasies. MH'**_

'I was actually asking him if I could use his private suit…for us, John. I do not intend on sharing you with anyone..ever!SH'

'_**I doubt he would be interested in the likes of you - SH'**_

'I am on my way. I want you naked and laying on the bed waiting for me - SH '

_'But what about the boyfriend? - JW'_

'_**Get your 'friend away from John! SH'**_

'Close the curtains so he can't see from across the street and the bedroom door! I will be 10 minutes! SH'

_'Stop your childish fretting and get in the car. You know it is faster. - MH'_

_**'Childish? Childish! I'm not the one picking up flotsam from off the street. -SH'**_

_'No, you pick your flotsam from Bart's, much better... - MH'_

'Mycroft is driving me over. You'd better be naked! - SH'

'_Oh God, I'm ready! – JW'_


	6. Hot & Sticky

_'Sherlock? What did you do to the oven mitts? – JW'_

_**'Do you mean those oversized tartan hand things that hang on the oven door? – SH'**_

_'Yes! They're all burnt and sticky! What the hell? How am I supposed to take hot things out of the oven? Dammit Sherlock! Does everything have to get ruined? – JW'_

_**'Um...I used them to put out the fire on the kitchen table- SH'**_

_**'The sticky stuff is burnt elastic - SH'**_

_'Well that explains the smell in here! Nice job of hiding the marks on the table with the tea towel! Didn't even know you knew where they were! Where are you anyway? You need to get your sorry arse back here and clean up this mess! And pick up some new oven mitts while you're at it! – JW'_

_**'I'm shopping. Can't come back home yet – SH'**_

_**'You sound very angry, John. Are you? Very angry I mean – SH'**_

_'I am angry, Sherlock! I sometimes hate the way you just leave a mess and expect me to ignore it or clean up after you – JW'_

_'I'm sorry. It was a difficult day at the clinic and I was looking forward to a quiet evening. Coming home to the flat and finding it looking and smelling like this just set me off – JW'_

_**'I'm truly sorry John. I had hoped to find what I needed and get back in time to at least help you clean up - SH'**_

_'Now I feel bad for snapping at you – JW'_

_'What are you getting? – JW'_

_**'I got the stuff I need from the chemist, but it's the other thing I can't find! It has to be a specific colour or everything will be ruined! – SH**_

_'O-kay! Ummm what will be ruined, Sherlock? – JW'_

_**'I don't think I want to tell you :( - SH'**_

_'Sherlock! What did you do now? I'm just over being upset about the mitts! – JW'_

_**'Oh! I've found some! - SH'**_

_**'I do love you John, you know that don't you? - SH'**_

_'Yes Sherlock I do! And I am sorry for being snarky earlier but now you have me worried! Please tell me this isn't going to be another disaster? – JW'_

_**'Not now it isn't. Are you hungry, John? - SH'**_

_**'And what's your favourite ice-cream? - SH**_

_'Ummm chocolate. Sherlock? WTF? JW'_

_**'Hmm. Yes. That comes into it too. Why don't you take a nice cool shower, but don't bother getting dressed afterwards - SH'**_

_**'I'll be home soon with Crispy Fried Duck and Szechuan sauce - wait for me in the bedroom - SH'**_

_'What? Are you planning on trying to seduce me by bringing home my favourite take-away and ice cream? What are you going to do? Eat it off of me? Seriously Sherlock! What's going on? – JW'_

_**'Please John! We did that with the strawberries and cream, remember? - SH'**_

_**'Actually, I plan to drizzle the sauce into your sexy little belly button, then dip the crispy fried duck into it and feed us both, one tiny morsel at a time, until the oils and spices aren't the only thing making you hot and sticky ;) - SH'**_

_'Ummmmmmmmmm...Ripping off my clothes and getting into the shower! – JW'_

_'But afterwards we are going to talk about manipulation and how fucking good you are- at everything! – JW'_

_**'No John, afterwards, you're going to put on these new, bright red boxers **__**that I've just purchased for you, and we're going to get creative with the chocolate ice-cream! - SH'**_

**A/N: It may not be Monday, but I couldn't help the red boxers...**


	7. Evidence

**MapleleafCameo and I would like to thank Mattsloved1 for bravely stepping in to play our Lestrade – if you haven't already read her work then hurry and read it now! But do come back afterwards to read this!**

**xXx**

_**To set the scene: Early this morning Sherlock and John attended a crime scene. Straight from there John went to work at Dr Sawyer's clinic. On returning home he finds something nasty in the fridge, but it wouldn't have been quite so bad if he hadn't been so tired…**_

_To Sherlock:_ 'Sherlock, there's a plate in the fridge. Not just any plate, this one has a nose on it - it looks suspiciously like the nose from that body that was hacked up at that crime scene today - got something you want to tell me? - JW'

_To John:_ 'What does it smell like? – SH'

_To Lestrade (accidentally):_ 'Are you trying to be funny? Don't, it doesn't suit you! It's a nose, Sherlock, a bloody nose! - JW'

_To John:_ 'I'm sure it isn't the worst thing you've found living there. – GL'

_To Greg:_ 'What? Greg? What are you on about? - JW'

_To Sherlock:_ 'Are you ignoring me Sherlock? - JW'

_To John:_ 'I merely asked you if the nose smelled. You haven't replied to me yet. I am rather busy John. Get on with it - SH'

_To John:_ 'John, you texted me. And if it's the nose I think it is, and it better be, then don't toss it out! – GL'

_To Sherlock:_ 'I just texted you and...hang on...- JW'

_To Sherlock:_ 'Oh fuck! I think I texted Greg instead of you. I hope you didn't steal that nose! – JW'

_To Lestrade:_ 'Sorry Greg, ignore me, it's been a long day - JW'

_To Sherlock:_ 'And I don't know - I'm not bloody sniffing it! - JW'

_To John:_ 'JOHN! Greg doesn't know I have that nose! You texted him? Well he can't have it back .I need it to prove it was the clown and not the acrobat – SH'

_To John:_ 'You have to smell it. If it smells like almonds, it was the clown - SH'

_To John:_ 'Sorry, mate, I meant it had better not be the nose - GL'

_To Sherlock:_ 'Sherlock, is there something in your flat that shouldn't be? - GL'

_To Lestrade:_ 'I am sure there are many things in the flat that shouldn't be there. You will have to be more precise - SH'

_For Sherlock, to both (accidentally):_ 'If I sniff it, what's in it for me, sexy? - JW'

_To Sherlock:_ 'Is that so? Time for me to bring Anderson and Donovan around is it? – GL'

_To John:_ 'John, you're a good friend and all but please don't – GL'

_For John, to both (accidentally):_ 'Well John as you will be doing me an immense favour and as it does involve evidence from a crime scene, stolen evidence, I will do whatever it is you want. Including that thing we do that makes you beg me. And this time I will make you beg twice - SH'

_To Lestrade:_ 'Please, Lestrade. Don't frighten me with your minions. If you have something to prove, be a man and come to the flat yourself. Besides which by the time we both get there I will have solved this absurdly simple case, if John will just smell the nose! – SH'

_To Sherlock:_ 'Twice? - JW'

_To John:_ 'Twice. What's more I will be on my knees in front of you. On my knees, looking up at you, watching you with my eyes, doing unimaginably wicked things with my clever, clever tongue. Think about it John. SH'

_To John:_ 'For the love of God can't the two of you behave for one day? And tell me true, is there a nose in your flat? – GL'

_To Sherlock:_ 'Sherlock! No! Just no! -GL'

_To Lestrade:_ 'Of course there's a nose in our flat - it's attached to my face! - JW'

_To Sherlock:_ 'Will you use your teeth too? - JW'

_To John:_ 'John, if you two don't stop I will send Mycroft over to your flat. See how that works with what you have planned! – GL'

_To Sherlock:_ 'Sherlock - he's threatening me with your brother. I don't think I ought to smell that nose now. He deserves to not solve the case. Shall I hide it? - JW'

_To both (deliberately):_ 'Teeth, lips, hands, whatever it takes to make you scream my name - SH'

_To Lestrade:_ 'Want to watch Lestrade? Want to bring my brother and learn a few things? - SH'

_To John:_ 'He can't threaten me with Mycroft. I just threatened him with Mycroft. SH"

_To John:_ 'I expect such behaviour from him. Doesn't he get you into enough situations as it is? – GL'

_To Sherlock:_ 'You really are a bad influence on him. It's bad enough with just you – GL'

_To both (accidentally):_ 'Oh dear God! It smells of almonds, Sherlock - how quick can you get here? - JW'

_To John:_ 'I'll be there right away! The Clown! I knew there was something funny about him! SH'

_To both (deliberately):_ 'John, you're buying for the next three months we meet at the pub for all your lying! Sherlock, you'll be lucky if I don't give you a detailed account of how good your brother is in bed. And the both of you! Stop texting me about your sex life! – GL'

_To Lestrade:_ 'Sorry mate – JW'


	8. Bubbles

**Now we are both back from our holidays, we're back in the game folks!  
John is in italics, Sherlock in bold italics.**

**xXx**

_**'John, where am I?'**_

_'Sherlock! Not funny! I don't have time for games today!'_

_**'But John I don't think we're in Kansas anymore'**_

_'Er...'Lock...are you...did you take something? Have you been in my medical bag again? '_

_**'It's raining Jawn...I stepped in a poodle and now I don't know where I am :( '**_

_Okay, now I'm seriously worried. 'Lock? Look around. Tell me what you see.'_

_**'Um...'**_

_'Oh for Christ sake! Where the hell are you? Can you see a street sign? I'm not you, Sherlock! I can't tell where you are by an 'Um' & a puddle!'_

_**Oh. You're cross with me :( I only did it for you, and now you don't love me. :'( '**_

_'Sherlock! I love you more than I can say. I am not cross with you, but you have me seriously worried. You aren't sounding like you and you don't know where you are. Now please, tell me where you are. I want to find you._

_**'I filched Mycroft's credit card hee hee...you'll love it. I can see an eye! A great big eye!'**_

_**'Love you John, I want to give you your birthday present...'**_

_'Oh for...Okay, do you mean The Eye? And did you take something? Please tell me so I can work out how long you're going to act like this?'_

_**'Mmmmmmmm. I had about four of them'.**_

_**'I want to sleep and that will spoil it. Will you be cross if I'm asleep? I'll be naked, just not awake!'**_

_'I'm not cross. I won't be cross with you. I promise. Please don't go to sleep. Now tell me,'Lock, love, 4 what? What did you take?'_

_'Are you near any CCTV's? Can you wave your arms or something? Wait! Are you at home?'_

_**'I wanted to try the different champagnes they serve here, but the bubbles went to my head.'**_

_**'Now I'm lying on a king-size bed, naked. Waiting for you. I want to do things to you but you gotta be here naked too. Can't do it by text. Not properly.'**_

_**'Why would I wave my arms?'**_

_'Okay! breathing here! Christ Sherlock! So you are in a hotel, yes? You had 4 glasses of champagne and you are lying naked on a king sized bed- so no, please don't wave your arms! Mycroft does not need to see THAT! So you're safe? Yes? Now, please tell me! Which hotel are you at?'_

_**'That one where I drew all over you in chocolate sauce, then licked it off, bit by bit. I remember how it felt, running my tongue all over your belly, dipping in and out of your belly button, tickling your nipples as I licked away those sticky spirals.'**_

_**'Do you remember that?'**_

_'Yes! Okay on my way! I may kill you for giving me heart failure for my birthday! Jesus Sherlock!'_

_**John...I've been practicing pulling my stomach muscles in to make a bowl for you to drink your champagne from...I hope you're thirsty...**_

_'I think one of us has had enough champagne for both of us!'_

_**:'(**_

_I know your drunk when you send emoticons. I am not taking advantage of you when you start acting out of character!'_

_**'Please? Just thinking about you taking advantage of me is making me hot...and hard...and surprisingly sober :* '**_

_'I will check you over when I get there! You seriously scared me - I thought you were hurt or kidnapped or drugged or just being a dick. And now I have room for a little bit of anger! Sometimes I feel like I'm raising a child!'_

_**Check me over ^^! Why Dr Watson...I think I can give you sufficient proof that I'm not a child...**_

_'Sighing here Sherlock! I'm sure you can. Do you understand why I'm upset?_

_**I'm sorry John. I didn't mean to upset you...I just got carried away. Forgive me?**_

_'Yes, you idiot! Always'_

_**'How will you forgive me?'**_

_'Well once I've discovered you're sober enough, I'm going to take both your wrists in one hand & pin them above your head. Then I'm going to take my other hand & slowly run it across your face & down your gorgeous neck, over your chest. I might pause there a tease your nipples a bit & then continue across your stomach, brushing back & forth, tickling your ribs until you begin to beg. I'm going to take my time & follow with open mouthed kisses, sweeping my tongue along the same path, licking & sucking. And then do you know what I'm going to do, 'Lock?'_

_**Jaaaawn...tell me...**_

_'I'm going to take my tongue & carefully & slowly tease & swirl it so very lazily around the tip of your incredibly long, hard...oh I'm here! I'll be right up! Same room right?'_


End file.
